Patrick Alan

Yes, I am technically on vacation. Unfortunately, this is one of those vacations that doesn’t quite feel like a vacation. It will on Wednesday, but right now, not at all. There was so much going on at work leading up to this, I almost feel bad about being on vacation.

On top of the craziness at work, I also had Martinigate which was a direct result of Laptop Powercord Fail. On Wednesday, I got back to my hotel around 5:00 having already eaten dinner. I sometimes eat really fancy on the road – KFC chicken strips and green beans. Back in the hotel room I planned on doing some reading and writing on the laptop. The writing was probably going to be work related, not fiction, because I had two documents due on Friday.

That’s about the time I noticed that my battery on my laptop was almost dead and the powercord even though was plugged in, wasn’t doing anything. And then I saw sparks. The powercord had melted its cable. Sadly, this is a boring story. I didn’t burn down the hotel, thwarting an international assassination attempt, and fall madly in love with a busty red-headed firewoman.

Nope. I just turned on the TV and discovered there was nothing on. I looked at the free drink card they give me at Marriotts because I am Platinum. What the heck. A drink would help me sleep.

Now, I don’t drink. Not that I am morally opposed to it, I just mostly don’t drink. I mean, I’ve tried to become someone who drinks, but it just doesn’t work. I tried to become a sophisticated wine connoisseur, but I never found a box of wine that I really liked.

Down in the bar, I was caught in a dilemma. I’ve been cutting back on carbs. It’s been pretty effective. The only drink I really know is Captain and Coke. I didn’t want Coke. Or Diet Coke. I remembered martinis. I have a friend who loves martinis. He took me to a martini bar one time, so I have had a martini. I like olives. Heck, I named my kid Oliver. I love olives.

I ordered a martini. “I’ll have a martini.”

Blank stare from the bartender. “What.”

“Um, martini?”

Bartender stares at the idiot. “Yeah?”

I consider changing my order to Captain and Coke…

“Gin? Vodka?”

“Oh. I don’t care. Which ever. No. umm. vodka.”

And then I took out my phone and started tweeting. Apparently, there’s a historical records of my tweets – such as “Help. My pants”

Needless to say, I slept well. Waking up was a different matter. This is where my wife and I differ in opinions. She doesn’t drink much either. I am opposed to vomitting no matter how much it will make me feel better. I have a liver. Its job it to process the alcohol. I expect it to do its job. I also had two conference calls and an 11:00am flight to attend to, but my phone was dangerously low on batteries and my only means of charging it was the USB cable connected to my dead laptop.

At the airport, I bought a new powercable, while listening in on one of my conference calls. The kid at the register tried hitting me up for a job. After getting through security, I opened the powercable, threw away the packaging and plugged in my laptop and phone. Still no power. Maybe the outlet was disabled.

I went to a charging station where three people had already taken up residence. I plugged in my new cord. No power on the laptop. The new cord has a USB port for plugging in phones. Tried that. No power for my phone either. I bought a defective power cord and already through away the packaging and the booth was on the other side of security.

This is where you realize how smart I am. When I got home, I did figure out that the power cord has a power button. It’s one of those touch buttons that sort of looks like a fancy pattern more than a button. My laptop was saved.

Now I am on vacation. Time to relax, write the words “The End” on my first rough draft and go party with 2000 women and no martinis. I’m starting to feel better now.